Short & Clean Jokes Guaranteed to Get a Laugh (Part One)

Here are some short, clean jokes that'll get a laugh in just about any situation.

My grandfather’s last words before he kicked the bucket were, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”


  • A man says to his friend, “Did you know that the people living in this town aren’t allowed to be buried here?”
  • His friend replies, “Why?”
  • The man says, “Because they’re still alive.”

  • Why did the old man fall in the well?
  • Because he couldn’t see that well.

  • What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
  • A labracadabrador.

A man is washing his car with his son when the boy says, “Dad, can’t we use a sponge?”


My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.


  • What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
  • One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

  • My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
  • I said, “No it doesn’t.”

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And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.


I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.


  • Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
  • Because they’re really good at it.

  • Knock Knock.
  • Who’s There?
  • Dishes.
  • Dishes Who?
  • Dishes Sean Connery.

  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
  • A carrot.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them as says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”


  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
  • “Aye matey.”

  • A man walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
  • The bartender says, “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line.”
  • The man looks around, but there is no punch line.

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  • Knock knock.
  • Who’s there?
  • Owls.
  • Owls who?
  • Yes they do!

  • The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
  • She still isn’t talking to me.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time consuming.


  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
  • If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

  • What’s ET short for?
  • Because he’s got little legs

  • Where does the king keep his armies?
  • In his sleevies.

  • How did the hipster burn his mouth?
  • He ate the pizza before it was cool.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.


 

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